Letting go of 'what if'

After the shock of discovering I was pregnant with twins—and then the heartbreak of losing one—I thought the emotional rollercoaster was over. But pregnancy has a way of unearthing feelings you didn’t expect, and for me, that meant gender disappointment.

I couldn’t shake the thought that the twin I lost was probably my girl. I don’t know why I felt that so deeply, but I did. Every time I imagined the baby that never was, I saw a daughter. A little girl I would never get to meet, never get to name, never get to raise.

And yet, here I was, still carrying a beautiful, growing baby. I should have been completely focused on him—but the “what if” lingered in my mind more than I’d like to admit.

Feeling It All at Once

Despite the complicated emotions, I loved being pregnant. Every little kick, every tiny hiccup, every moment where I watched my belly move as he stretched and rolled—it was magic. I cherished those moments, soaking them in as much as I could, because I knew this might be the only time I’d experience it.

But in the quiet moments, that lingering sadness was still there. Was I mourning the twin I lost, or the daughter I thought I’d have? Or was I mourning the idea of healing something in myself through her?

That thought hit hard.

I knew, deep down, that having a daughter would have been incredibly difficult for me. I have my own traumas, my own struggles, and the idea of raising a girl brought up things I wasn’t sure I was ready to face. Would I have projected my fears onto her? Would I have been able to protect her in ways I never felt protected? The thought alone was overwhelming.

Trusting That the Universe Knows Best

I believe, with everything in me, that the universe gives you what you need, not necessarily what you think you want. And now, holding my son in my arms, I know that to be true.

I cannot imagine life any other way. He is my heart, my whole world, my absolute joy. The moment he arrived, everything else faded. The questions, the “what ifs,” the wondering—all of it melted away.

I was meant to have him.

And maybe, just maybe, I was never meant to have a daughter—because I was always meant to have him.

Healing in a Different Way

What I’ve learned through this experience is that healing doesn’t always come in the ways we expect. I thought having a daughter would help me heal old wounds, but what if having a son is healing me in a different way? What if loving him, raising him, showing him what a strong, kind, compassionate person looks like is exactly what I needed?

I don’t question it anymore. I trust in the journey that brought me here.

If you’ve ever felt gender disappointment, if you’ve ever mourned a version of your life that never came to be, I want you to know—it’s okay. Feel it, process it, and then let yourself open up to the beauty of what is. Because what you have, what you were given, might just be exactly what your heart needed all along.